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elephant girl

26th September, 2008. 4:44 am. my last entry here

I am periwinkle. Most view me as a wierd grey color..whilst I am a unique violet blue.

It will be two weeks on Sunday since my leg was gashed on the little metal control panel door of the icecream 'dip case' at work. It was a very deep gash which knicked a vein. I had informed Max, my boss, that day..but nothing was done. I cannot afford to go to hospital, doctor or clinic.. The last time I had to be seen for a near stroke..it took 2 1/2 years of harrassment from the hospital and all sorts of proof of income to show them that I could not pay and they wrote it off. Last week, both the boss and his wife saw the wound, so they know what it looks like.

Every time the phone rings, I dread picking up as 9 times of 10 it is a collections agency. I am poorer than I have ever been.

back to the leg.: even with the meticulous care I am giving the wound ///gentile debriding,irrigation and antibiotic ointment..and now..wet to dry dressing..it is not healing well and becoming worse without internal antibiotic. If cellulitis sets in, the infection will travel through the blood to the heart and that will be it.
It is painful, especially if I have to stand on it for a length of time.

On Labor Day, I went to my mothers to try to clean out her garage. After moving a large mirror(3x5) by myself..both my shoulders were strained. I try to take care of them so that they can heal, but  if I do any work for anyone,,they hurt terribly. On my day off, I do odd jobs and my shoulders hurt. The icecream cases at work have been acting up and temperature dials have been turned up all the way and rock hard icecream is VERY painful to try to scoop.

 I will probably never get to see the Pompeii area before I die. That is the only thing left on my bucket list. It has been on my list since 1974..when I had the vision of an erupting volcano and a life of long ago. I really wanted to go there and see if things looked familiar. To some, that may sound crazy,but I occasionally would have a vision that would come true post-actively..so often heeded visions or messages.Many times I have seen artifacts and known what the were...before ever reading the information of them. It is like past knowledge that remained.

I am researching my pedigree so that my mother will , at the least, know the true names before she dies...as the pedigree is very important to her. I have found the Shwabian one finally. Otto von Gemmigen of Hornberg. The crest is yellow and blue with helmet of two horns. The Pell line crest is of ermine with a silver pelican holding a wreath in the upper corner. I have only the Bove line to discover. I have seen a photo of Anne Bove and I look just like her.Not sure if she is from the Strassburg France area or the Cote di Azzur area. All those country borders changed many times through the ages..so whether it is German,French or Italian..I don't know...yet. A friend in Puglia told me that there are many Bove there..  maybe Bove is common name...like Smith or Farmer.

My mother has emphasema and is very senile now. Her doctor found abnormal findings and I am to take her for a biopsy on Monday.He had given her less than a year to live. I will be homeless when she passes.  I dread it.

Everything weighs so heavily on me and the smallest things take a toll on me. I have been in a manic phase lately(perhaps trying to mask the awful things to come) and the low is coming.

Brian wants desperately for a decent life and is tryng to save to go to school. He works 2 jobs and is not getting anywhere. Scott now has his BA in French , and seems to delay responsibilty as much as possible. He is presently in Canada. He is looking to move to France and needs to get his ass in gear before any more french slips away.

I feel terrible that I cannot give my children what others provide for their kids. They are good kids and do not 'hang out' or get into trouble or anything. It is so unfair for them to be intelligent and not be able to get ahead.There are SO MANY dumbfucks and assholes who seem to get ahead, it just doesn't seem fair.

I am all alone. I have no one that cares. I miss my friend and he knows who he is.. I feel as though I am dying. Maybe this wound will kill me and my sons can sue Ben & Jerrys for enough to get them by.
 I am short winded and have no energy. It is being used to try to heal the wound..but I am losing,,,as I always do.
I am just a loser.

mi amico: mi manca!!!!!!! I wish I could be in your arms again before I die.  yes, we all have ideas of what others are.. and usually they are idealistic ideas.. Yes, I feel as though we are very much alike. and Yeah, I see things differently and wish they were different...but I know how you are, and have had to edeal with it for 8 years. 
Everyone sees me as a beast.. a beast of burden and a beast. I wish I were 5 foot 8 and average weight. I wish that I did not have ADHD and could actually read books without my brain falling asleep. I am NOT stupid..I just have all these shitty hurdles. If I did not have ADHD, I could remember all the grammer and speak the languages nearly fluently. It is amazing that I got to where I am at all...with no encouragment from ANYONE.

Parents NEVER raise your kids negatively.. encourage the things that they CAN do..love them.. and if you cannot...do not have children! empty promises can never be filled.

like the promise of someone to take me to Italy. even when I had the money 2 years ago, they avoided the idea even. I wanted to see the Pompeii area..(see bucket list)...I wanted to try out my Italian..I wanted to just be there.. I had no intention to disrupt their family or friends or anything. I had my own things to do. I am fairly simple about it.. I don't need to see all the tourist shit.. that is NOT what I had in mind. All the churches there are overindulgent xtravagances anyway..due to the greedy religion-state of middle times Europe. My best memory of Italy is taking long walks and greeting all the animals in the town. I knew them all from the quarter horse at the edge of town to the big sweet German shepard who had to guard his yard, but when he saw me coming..gave the obligatory WOOF and then returned to his nap.oh yeah, and the market day. I would take a pad of paper and the things that I did not know the word for...would draw a picture. The people were all so nice and really appreciated me TRYING to know Italian.

I now have nothing and noone..I know today will be spent in tears. I am sorry to anyone for anything. I never mean any harm to anyone.. I don't even like killing flies. I don't like flies, but I can't see to kill anything. except myself.

Monkeyman, I LOVE YOU !

 

 

 


 


 



Current mood: tired.
Current music: I love you monkeyman.

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10th September, 2008. 1:46 pm. still in pain/physically and emotionally

Bear contacted me this morning and is trying to make me feel bad. Well, he got me to cry. I am still in a lot of pain from the fall of 2 weeks ago. My left shoulder cannot bear any weight and left foot is in a LOT of pain. I hobble around like Quasimodo...asking for sanctuary also.. but for me, there is none.

I have been in a techno-funk for the last 3 days. I listen to Kraftwerk on the way to work..sometimes at high volume to turn myself into a zombie-like robot so that I can get through my bleak day. We will soon have hours change at work and it will disable me to get anything done.. the hours will be 1pm-9pm.  
I have an opportunity to be a stage manager for a production company..but I don't have the balls to jump into it and fore-go my icecream shop manager job. I have no "safety net", no savings, no one to help me in ANY way.. I do not want to end up in the street. I do not have rich friends and relatives to use. 
I miss Bear like crazy! His fuzzy tummy, his birthmark(which I always check for to make sure he is not a soija/double) and his wonderful smell(which he thinks I am silly for smelling behind his ears). I can see right now that I will be fighting back tears all day.
I have decided to make an employee manual for work..with lots of pictures/drawings..and semi-humourous rhetoric..as a regular "employee manual" probably would not get touched.
I hate to say it, but the younger kids just do not want to put any effort into anything. I guess that they are used to Mummy and Daddy doing all for them or not caring. I am not a hard-nose and should learn to be assertive..but it is not in my nature. I try to reason and present alternative thinking to a situation. Yeah, work is not all fun..but...if done properly and in a timely fashion...is not bad either. I do NOT like food service, nor dealing with public..especially cleaning up after them.. It is disgusting!! The things that keep me going are the children customers. Children are honest until they are taught otherwise. They are refreshing and full of hope, usually.
Hope is the only thing that I have...and that is waining.


Current mood: drained.
Current music: Belissima Muzak (Italian music).

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30th August, 2008. 12:57 pm. injured

The last few days have not been very good. I fell and injured my back and leg on Wednesday night. I could not work for 2 days. My utilities are being turned off starting Thursday..if I cannot make "sufficient" payment on them. I am in pain..looking for another job.
 Last night, although I was not feeling well, agreed to go with Brian to see a movie..but his friend and her sister wanted to come along. A big argument broke out about seeing one movie over another..(after we thought it was agreed upon beforehand)..so the sisters got into a huge fight and no movie was seen.

This morning Bear called to ask how I was. I told him that I fell and he said "good". He said "You still working at Ben & Jerry's?" I said yes, but I was looking for another job. He said,"Even though you are a bitch, I am still your friend." and hung up..as I was saying "I miss you".
I cried for a long time. Was that his intention to make me cry and miserable? Why would someone whose practise it is to mislead and get women to do as he wants...be upset when some of the other women find out how ONE of them feels when she is treated like she is just a servant.    If someone intends to mislead..that person should expect that it should come back to bite him in the ass.. I never meant harm..I just ragged on and on about how I felt after giving my heart and body and services of designer and worker...for obviously nothing but to be laughed atI vented.I have no one..no support system..nothing. I was not allowed t have a life until the last 9 years..due to the way I was treated by mother and ex-husband..then of those 9 years 8 have been with Bear.  I am socially retarded, I admit.naive...emotionally fragile.
I used to take EVERYTHING internally and was neurotic with ulcers(started age 10)..and that is no fun sitting in class in pain..and having to eat notebook paper to ease the stomach acids..
to be physically and emotionally hurt for 17 yr by the ex.....then to have another person bully my emotions. I do not know what all went on or happened or is happening in HIS situation..but how is what HE does MY fault? I just vented alot..too much..but I don't have anyone!!!! I have no support system.. I have nothing. Does it make him feel like a better person to kick me down? It must. He must be like so many others that are just average and cannot stand to see a good person,,so has to hurt them to make themself feel superior. I thought he was a friend...and more

Current mood: disappointed.

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25th August, 2008. 1:18 pm. SUPER DEPRESSED

 I cannot be much more depressed..until the utilities are shut off. I have no one..and Bear is showing his photos on holiday with someone. Someone that has money and can spoil him the way that he likes. It made me want to die. I am so hung up on on someone that couldn't care less about me that my heart is bleeding inside. One woman wrote me to say that she contracted an STD from him..and  I am just so full of grief..that I cannot eat. I don't want to.. My life is nothing. I had hoped to find a future and have nothing!!!!! an no one. I cry at work.,I cry all the time.Why did I have to be born? I am in such grief that my throat tightens until I want to split open and have the buzzards pick at me.. The ancient Greeks had the right idea..if you were born defected..they put  you on the cliff for the buzzards to eat.  My whole life has been one big fuck up. Born physically deformed..raised emotionally deformed and then I fled from the frying pan to the fire with an abusive husband who threatened to kill my family if I left or tried to leave.  Then onto someone that I thought was honest and that I thought actually wanted me for me. I am a good person, and have more talent and knowledge of things than most people have in their foot...but for some fucked up reason am still fucked up. It is true that I want something from him that cannot be.. The man I am hung up about has always said that he has been fair with me. not really..or he would tell EVERY woman that she is one of many. This guy lead me to think things that had future in it. He is very careful about his words...semantics.. and of course...being an emotionally driven woman...see what I wish from it.  I am scarred beyond belief from being hurt. This is a cicatrix that there is no cure for. I can not bear this...I feel like packing it in. Why exist being a good soul, only to be thought of as shit .

Current mood: lonely.
Current music: none.too depressed to turn on the Muzak.

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12th July, 2008. 5:05 pm. I am crying from my heart

I hate being me..a loser..a nothing..and now Bear is mad at me and I suspect that he is searching for a reason to get rid of me. I have not done anything to him. I am so fucking poor. I am MISERABLE!!!! He is my ONLY bright spot. I am now crying and hope that I have a stroke to die because he is my world and I never would really do anything to him.

I bark, but don not bite.and if he hasn't figured that out after 8 years..........

Yeah, I get angry and yeah ,my life sucks and yeah ,,I don't want to live without him in my life. I am guessing that someone happened or searched for me on here and told Bear. or he went off on a accusatory search. I love the bastard..and relish his stories of the past and hearing childhood stories and everything.. I do not really go on this site and I have not been on computer much at all...as I no longer have one and have to try to borrow my son's. My heart is broken and I HATE those that plot against me. DON'T I have enough hard times in my life without people purposely trying to screw me over??????????

I AM GOING TO QUIT MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I HAVE NO ONE AND NOTHING TO LIVE FOR SINCE BEAR HAS DECIDED THAT I AM AN ASSHOLE.  I think I will try to die

Current mood: crushed.

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12th July, 2008. 3:54 pm. PJ or whomever is fucking me over ..I hope you die

I rarely write in this dumb journal thing..and today Bear called me to yell at me and say that he will never talk to me again of anything. He claims that I reveal things on here that I should not..I do NOT recall mentioning anything of his personal past.. most of my rantings are just that.. rantings.
Someone is trying to screw me over..right PJ? And Bear is believing everything you say. I am the bad guy. 
I have done nothing but try to survive lately and why the fuck are you being a cunt to me? You have him..you have a house,car,and whatever else you fucking want out of him. I have only my car..and a few things of furniture. I own nothing else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have nothing!!!!!!!
I don't have a computer anymore..and cannot afford to pay my bills.
Bear, I did nothing to you. I think you are looking for an excuse.
I hope you know how you hurt me just now. My fucking neighbor is starting shit today..again and my job sucks. I have NO power over anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you, you mook. I sacrifice my things for YOU so many times..8 years(going on 8 yr)
I will erase all that you deem un fit for this journal and IF I write anything else..It will be "private" and not available for anyone to see.

Current mood: angry.

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31st January, 2008. 2:11 pm. What Do You Have To Say? - An Artist Is...


definetly. I can make things from nothing and embelish what already "is".
 

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29th January, 2008. 9:18 am. quiz

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

haven't looked yet..afraid to

2. How much cash do you have on you?
6 cents

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"
bore


4. Favorite planet?
Rigel 7

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
TMobile telling me that I need to make a payment

6. What is your favorite ring on your cellphone?
I think is call Rise N Shine

7. What shirt are you wearing?
STL jersey

8. Do you "label" yourself?
yes

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
 just socks, no shoes.I'd be barefoot if it were warm

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright..presently daytime

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
searching

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
in bed either watching TV or sleeping

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
I'm in Chicago and be back soonTTYL.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
corner of Lindsey Lane and Shackelford

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
 oh Crap

17.Who told you he/she loved you last?
 my cat Edmund

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Edmund


19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
extra-strength Tylenol, a margherita (not at same time)

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
none

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
10

22. worst enemy?
 poverty

23. What is your current desktop picture?
it WAS Bear, the guy I like..but my comp crashed and using son
comp. His is the logo for World of Warcraft

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
 goodnight

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
a million bucks...i can fly in my head

26. Do you like someone?
yeah...but he is a lying jerk

27. The last song you listened to?
don't remember..something playing at work 

Current mood: sick.

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9th November, 2007. 9:23 am. gold prices

forgot to mention that gold prices have gone from $500-800 down to $200 per ounce. BIG drop. 

Current mood: sad.

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5th August, 2007. 8:01 pm. show me the money..and then hand it over

I have not slept well this week. I was worried about Scott and wondering if he made it to France and how he was. I finally decided to call the Bry household and ask. I dug out my calling card which has 12 min. left. I scribbled some French phrases on paper in case whomever answered did not speak English.
  I dialed.. It rang. .boo,boop...boo,boop...boo,boop.. BonJour..
A very conservative sounding woman answered. She sounded near my age, possibly older than I. I said in muddled French that I was mother of Scott, and was he there? No was the reply. Is Scott in Angers? oui. ce va,bien? I asked. oui.I apologized that I did not speak French...and said thank you very much, I have worried about him. A'voir. A'voir. That was it. At least I know he is there and alive. I received a Mountain Dew T-shirt and keychain from the Pepsi people because of my inquiry to send MD over to France..They were tickled that a loyal customer wanted to go so far as to ship their product overseas. I have toyed with the idea to buy a lower priced digital camera and send it to Scott.. I have to budget every penny.
 So far, I will have my job, as it is not easy to find another donkey to do all that I do for them that is available weekdays (as thre others are students and returning to school).. I have an opportunity to get away for a week..providing I come up with the transportation there. I do so want to get away. I am as a tightrope walker carrying a tempermental monkey with a fire torch..one wrong step and there could be disaster. I am still a big loser..but if I keep busy, I can't sit and cry so much. I have to lose weight and tone up!!! I have to. I have to try to save money. I have to clean up this house. I have to keep my mind fresh.. (My Italian is fading, and I really enjoy the language) I learned it so that I could understand Bear from the inside out..and actually love the language. It is much more lyrical than German. It flows like fine music where German is a waltz in army boots.
  I had checked out a movie called Keeping Mum with Maggie Smith, Rowen Atkinson,and Patrick Swayze.. It is a corker. Enjoyed it. I think I will re-check it out to show Bear. Although British humour escapes him..he may like this.
 I don't get much done around here..too tired all the time. 
I need a laptop with good voice recording program to do voiceover work. I need to get back into that.. It is good money if you get in the right door. It was some of the easiest and most fun money that I had ever made. I wrote and produced 2 radio spots in the early 80's. 
The weather is sucky. 96F/36C..and the air is very thick, and it is hard to breathe. It rained Friday night for a short time, but very intensely. (enough to put the AT&T server "down")again...!  such shite.. we all pay for this improved service, but spend most of the time not being able to use the fucking DSL at all.
  I've been thinking to raid water fountains for the coins. I NEED more money...to live!!!! this sucks. I want to provide for my family and can't!!! well...if anyone hears from Scott, please let me know. I know I may  be over-protective..but it means that I love them. 



Current mood: stressed.
Current music: sono Gennario.

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