elephant girl

my last entry here

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:24:04 GMT

I am periwinkle. Most view me as a wierd grey color..whilst I am a unique violet blue.

It will be two weeks on Sunday since my leg was gashed on the little metal control panel door of the icecream 'dip case' at work. It was a very deep gash which knicked a vein. I had informed Max, my boss, that day..but nothing was done. I cannot afford to go to hospital, doctor or clinic.. The last time I had to be seen for a near stroke..it took 2 1/2 years of harrassment from the hospital and all sorts of proof of income to show them that I could not pay and they wrote it off. Last week, both the boss and his wife saw the wound, so they know what it looks like.

Every time the phone rings, I dread picking up as 9 times of 10 it is a collections agency. I am poorer than I have ever been.

back to the leg.: even with the meticulous care I am giving the wound ///gentile debriding,irrigation and antibiotic ointment..and now..wet to dry dressing..it is not healing well and becoming worse without internal antibiotic. If cellulitis sets in, the infection will travel through the blood to the heart and that will be it.
It is painful, especially if I have to stand on it for a length of time.

On Labor Day, I went to my mothers to try to clean out her garage. After moving a large mirror(3x5) by myself..both my shoulders were strained. I try to take care of them so that they can heal, but if I do any work for anyone,,they hurt terribly. On my day off, I do odd jobs and my shoulders hurt. The icecream cases at work have been acting up and temperature dials have been turned up all the way and rock hard icecream is VERY painful to try to scoop.

I will probably never get to see the Pompeii area before I die. That is the only thing left on my bucket list. It has been on my list since 1974..when I had the vision of an erupting volcano and a life of long ago. I really wanted to go there and see if things looked familiar. To some, that may sound crazy,but I occasionally would have a vision that would come true post-actively..so often heeded visions or messages.Many times I have seen artifacts and known what the were...before ever reading the information of them. It is like past knowledge that remained.

I am researching my pedigree so that my mother will , at the least, know the true names before she dies...as the pedigree is very important to her. I have found the Shwabian one finally. Otto von Gemmigen of Hornberg. The crest is yellow and blue with helmet of two horns. The Pell line crest is of ermine with a silver pelican holding a wreath in the upper corner. I have only the Bove line to discover. I have seen a photo of Anne Bove and I look just like her.Not sure if she is from the Strassburg France area or the Cote di Azzur area. All those country borders changed many times through the ages..so whether it is German,French or Italian..I don't know...yet. A friend in Puglia told me that there are many Bove there.. maybe Bove is common name...like Smith or Farmer.

My mother has emphasema and is very senile now. Her doctor found abnormal findings and I am to take her for a biopsy on Monday.He had given her less than a year to live. I will be homeless when she passes. I dread it.

Everything weighs so heavily on me and the smallest things take a toll on me. I have been in a manic phase lately(perhaps trying to mask the awful things to come) and the low is coming.

Brian wants desperately for a decent life and is tryng to save to go to school. He works 2 jobs and is not getting anywhere. Scott now has his BA in French , and seems to delay responsibilty as much as possible. He is presently in Canada. He is looking to move to France and needs to get his ass in gear before any more french slips away.

I feel terrible that I cannot give my children what others provide for their kids. They are good kids and do not 'hang out' or get into trouble or anything. It is so unfair for them to be intelligent and not be able to get ahead.There are SO MANY dumbfucks and assholes who seem to get ahead, it just doesn't seem fair.

I am all alone. I have no one that cares. I miss my friend and he knows who he is.. I feel as though I am dying. Maybe this wound will kill me and my sons can sue Ben & Jerrys for enough to get them by.
I am short winded and have no energy. It is being used to try to heal the wound..but I am losing,,,as I always do.
I am just a loser.

mi amico: mi manca!!!!!!! I wish I could be in your arms again before I die. yes, we all have ideas of what others are.. and usually they are idealistic ideas.. Yes, I feel as though we are very much alike. and Yeah, I see things differently and wish they were different...but I know how you are, and have had to edeal with it for 8 years.
Everyone sees me as a beast.. a beast of burden and a beast. I wish I were 5 foot 8 and average weight. I wish that I did not have ADHD and could actually read books without my brain falling asleep. I am NOT stupid..I just have all these shitty hurdles. If I did not have ADHD, I could remember all the grammer and speak the languages nearly fluently. It is amazing that I got to where I am at all...with no encouragment from ANYONE.

Parents NEVER raise your kids negatively.. encourage the things that they CAN do..love them.. and if you cannot...do not have children! empty promises can never be filled.

like the promise of someone to take me to Italy. even when I had the money 2 years ago, they avoided the idea even. I wanted to see the Pompeii area..(see bucket list)...I wanted to try out my Italian..I wanted to just be there.. I had no intention to disrupt their family or friends or anything. I had my own things to do. I am fairly simple about it.. I don't need to see all the tourist shit.. that is NOT what I had in mind. All the churches there are overindulgent xtravagances anyway..due to the greedy religion-state of middle times Europe. My best memory of Italy is taking long walks and greeting all the animals in the town. I knew them all from the quarter horse at the edge of town to the big sweet German shepard who had to guard his yard, but when he saw me coming..gave the obligatory WOOF and then returned to his nap.oh yeah, and the market day. I would take a pad of paper and the things that I did not know the word for...would draw a picture. The people were all so nice and really appreciated me TRYING to know Italian.

I now have nothing and noone..I know today will be spent in tears. I am sorry to anyone for anything. I never mean any harm to anyone.. I don't even like killing flies. I don't like flies, but I can't see to kill anything. except myself.

Monkeyman, I LOVE YOU !

still in pain/physically and emotionally

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 19:14:37 GMT

Bear contacted me this morning and is trying to make me feel bad. Well, he got me to cry. I am still in a lot of pain from the fall of 2 weeks ago. My left shoulder cannot bear any weight and left foot is in a LOT of pain. I hobble around like Quasimodo...asking for sanctuary also.. but for me, there is none.

I have been in a techno-funk for the last 3 days. I listen to Kraftwerk on the way to work..sometimes at high volume to turn myself into a zombie-like robot so that I can get through my bleak day. We will soon have hours change at work and it will disable me to get anything done.. the hours will be 1pm-9pm.
I have an opportunity to be a stage manager for a production company..but I don't have the balls to jump into it and fore-go my icecream shop manager job. I have no "safety net", no savings, no one to help me in ANY way.. I do not want to end up in the street. I do not have rich friends and relatives to use.
I miss Bear like crazy! His fuzzy tummy, his birthmark(which I always check for to make sure he is not a soija/double) and his wonderful smell(which he thinks I am silly for smelling behind his ears). I can see right now that I will be fighting back tears all day.
I have decided to make an employee manual for work..with lots of pictures/drawings..and semi-humourous rhetoric..as a regular "employee manual" probably would not get touched.
I hate to say it, but the younger kids just do not want to put any effort into anything. I guess that they are used to Mummy and Daddy doing all for them or not caring. I am not a hard-nose and should learn to be assertive..but it is not in my nature. I try to reason and present alternative thinking to a situation. Yeah, work is not all fun..but...if done properly and in a timely fashion...is not bad either. I do NOT like food service, nor dealing with public..especially cleaning up after them.. It is disgusting!! The things that keep me going are the children customers. Children are honest until they are taught otherwise. They are refreshing and full of hope, usually.
Hope is the only thing that I have...and that is waining.

injured

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 18:20:39 GMT

The last few days have not been very good. I fell and injured my back and leg on Wednesday night. I could not work for 2 days. My utilities are being turned off starting Thursday..if I cannot make "sufficient" payment on them. I am in pain..looking for another job.
Last night, although I was not feeling well, agreed to go with Brian to see a movie..but his friend and her sister wanted to come along. A big argument broke out about seeing one movie over another..(after we thought it was agreed upon beforehand)..so the sisters got into a huge fight and no movie was seen.

This morning Bear called to ask how I was. I told him that I fell and he said "good". He said "You still working at Ben & Jerry's?" I said yes, but I was looking for another job. He said,"Even though you are a bitch, I am still your friend." and hung up..as I was saying "I miss you".
I cried for a long time. Was that his intention to make me cry and miserable? Why would someone whose practise it is to mislead and get women to do as he wants...be upset when some of the other women find out how ONE of them feels when she is treated like she is just a servant. If someone intends to mislead..that person should expect that it should come back to bite him in the ass.. I never meant harm..I just ragged on and on about how I felt after giving my heart and body and services of designer and worker...for obviously nothing but to be laughed atI vented.I have no one..no support system..nothing. I was not allowed t have a life until the last 9 years..due to the way I was treated by mother and ex-husband..then of those 9 years 8 have been with Bear. I am socially retarded, I admit.naive...emotionally fragile.
I used to take EVERYTHING internally and was neurotic with ulcers(started age 10)..and that is no fun sitting in class in pain..and having to eat notebook paper to ease the stomach acids..
to be physically and emotionally hurt for 17 yr by the ex.....then to have another person bully my emotions. I do not know what all went on or happened or is happening in HIS situation..but how is what HE does MY fault? I just vented alot..too much..but I don't have anyone!!!! I have no support system.. I have nothing. Does it make him feel like a better person to kick me down? It must. He must be like so many others that are just average and cannot stand to see a good person,,so has to hurt them to make themself feel superior. I thought he was a friend...and more

SUPER DEPRESSED

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 18:45:41 GMT

I cannot be much more depressed..until the utilities are shut off. I have no one..and Bear is showing his photos on holiday with someone. Someone that has money and can spoil him the way that he likes. It made me want to die. I am so hung up on on someone that couldn't care less about me that my heart is bleeding inside. One woman wrote me to say that she contracted an STD from him..and I am just so full of grief..that I cannot eat. I don't want to.. My life is nothing. I had hoped to find a future and have nothing!!!!! an no one. I cry at work.,I cry all the time.Why did I have to be born? I am in such grief that my throat tightens until I want to split open and have the buzzards pick at me.. The ancient Greeks had the right idea..if you were born defected..they put you on the cliff for the buzzards to eat. My whole life has been one big fuck up. Born physically deformed..raised emotionally deformed and then I fled from the frying pan to the fire with an abusive husband who threatened to kill my family if I left or tried to leave. Then onto someone that I thought was honest and that I thought actually wanted me for me. I am a good person, and have more talent and knowledge of things than most people have in their foot...but for some fucked up reason am still fucked up. It is true that I want something from him that cannot be.. The man I am hung up about has always said that he has been fair with me. not really..or he would tell EVERY woman that she is one of many. This guy lead me to think things that had future in it. He is very careful about his words...semantics.. and of course...being an emotionally driven woman...see what I wish from it. I am scarred beyond belief from being hurt. This is a cicatrix that there is no cure for. I can not bear this...I feel like packing it in. Why exist being a good soul, only to be thought of as shit .

I am crying from my heart

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 22:16:18 GMT

I hate being me..a loser..a nothing..and now Bear is mad at me and I suspect that he is searching for a reason to get rid of me. I have not done anything to him. I am so fucking poor. I am MISERABLE!!!! He is my ONLY bright spot. I am now crying and hope that I have a stroke to die because he is my world and I never would really do anything to him.

I bark, but don not bite.and if he hasn't figured that out after 8 years..........

Yeah, I get angry and yeah ,my life sucks and yeah ,,I don't want to live without him in my life. I am guessing that someone happened or searched for me on here and told Bear. or he went off on a accusatory search. I love the bastard..and relish his stories of the past and hearing childhood stories and everything.. I do not really go on this site and I have not been on computer much at all...as I no longer have one and have to try to borrow my son's. My heart is broken and I HATE those that plot against me. DON'T I have enough hard times in my life without people purposely trying to screw me over??????????

I AM GOING TO QUIT MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO ONE AND NOTHING TO LIVE FOR SINCE BEAR HAS DECIDED THAT I AM AN ASSHOLE. I think I will try to die

PJ or whomever is fucking me over ..I hope you die

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 21:04:52 GMT

I rarely write in this dumb journal thing..and today Bear called me to yell at me and say that he will never talk to me again of anything. He claims that I reveal things on here that I should not..I do NOT recall mentioning anything of his personal past.. most of my rantings are just that.. rantings.
Someone is trying to screw me over..right PJ? And Bear is believing everything you say. I am the bad guy.
I have done nothing but try to survive lately and why the fuck are you being a cunt to me? You have him..you have a house,car,and whatever else you fucking want out of him. I have only my car..and a few things of furniture. I own nothing else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have nothing!!!!!!!
I don't have a computer anymore..and cannot afford to pay my bills.
Bear, I did nothing to you. I think you are looking for an excuse.
I hope you know how you hurt me just now. My fucking neighbor is starting shit today..again and my job sucks. I have NO power over anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you, you mook. I sacrifice my things for YOU so many times..8 years(going on 8 yr)
I will erase all that you deem un fit for this journal and IF I write anything else..It will be "private" and not available for anyone to see.

What Do You Have To Say? - An Artist Is...

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 20:12:45 GMT

definetly. I can make things from nothing and embelish what already "is".

quiz

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 15:28:13 GMT

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

haven't looked yet..afraid to

2. How much cash do you have on you?
6 cents

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"
bore

4. Favorite planet?
Rigel 7

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
TMobile telling me that I need to make a payment

6. What is your favorite ring on your cellphone?
I think is call Rise N Shine

7. What shirt are you wearing?
STL jersey

8. Do you "label" yourself?
yes

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
just socks, no shoes.I'd be barefoot if it were warm

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright..presently daytime

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
searching

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
in bed either watching TV or sleeping

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
I'm in Chicago and be back soonTTYL.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
corner of Lindsey Lane and Shackelford

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
oh Crap

17.Who told you he/she loved you last?
my cat Edmund

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Edmund

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
extra-strength Tylenol, a margherita (not at same time)

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
none

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
10

22. worst enemy?
poverty

23. What is your current desktop picture?
it WAS Bear, the guy I like..but my comp crashed and using son
comp. His is the logo for World of Warcraft

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
goodnight

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
a million bucks...i can fly in my head

26. Do you like someone?
yeah...but he is a lying jerk

27. The last song you listened to?
don't remember..something playing at work

gold prices

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 15:25:09 GMT

forgot to mention that gold prices have gone from $500-800 down to $200 per ounce. BIG drop.

show me the money..and then hand it over

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 01:31:08 GMT

I have not slept well this week. I was worried about Scott and wondering if he made it to France and how he was. I finally decided to call the Bry household and ask. I dug out my calling card which has 12 min. left. I scribbled some French phrases on paper in case whomever answered did not speak English.
I dialed.. It rang. .boo,boop...boo,boop...boo,boop.. BonJour..
A very conservative sounding woman answered. She sounded near my age, possibly older than I. I said in muddled French that I was mother of Scott, and was he there? No was the reply. Is Scott in Angers? oui. ce va,bien? I asked. oui.I apologized that I did not speak French...and said thank you very much, I have worried about him. A'voir. A'voir. That was it. At least I know he is there and alive. I received a Mountain Dew T-shirt and keychain from the Pepsi people because of my inquiry to send MD over to France..They were tickled that a loyal customer wanted to go so far as to ship their product overseas. I have toyed with the idea to buy a lower priced digital camera and send it to Scott.. I have to budget every penny.
So far, I will have my job, as it is not easy to find another donkey to do all that I do for them that is available weekdays (as thre others are students and returning to school).. I have an opportunity to get away for a week..providing I come up with the transportation there. I do so want to get away. I am as a tightrope walker carrying a tempermental monkey with a fire torch..one wrong step and there could be disaster. I am still a big loser..but if I keep busy, I can't sit and cry so much. I have to lose weight and tone up!!! I have to. I have to try to save money. I have to clean up this house. I have to keep my mind fresh.. (My Italian is fading, and I really enjoy the language) I learned it so that I could understand Bear from the inside out..and actually love the language. It is much more lyrical than German. It flows like fine music where German is a waltz in army boots.
I had checked out a movie called Keeping Mum with Maggie Smith, Rowen Atkinson,and Patrick Swayze.. It is a corker. Enjoyed it. I think I will re-check it out to show Bear. Although British humour escapes him..he may like this.
I don't get much done around here..too tired all the time.
I need a laptop with good voice recording program to do voiceover work. I need to get back into that.. It is good money if you get in the right door. It was some of the easiest and most fun money that I had ever made. I wrote and produced 2 radio spots in the early 80's.
The weather is sucky. 96F/36C..and the air is very thick, and it is hard to breathe. It rained Friday night for a short time, but very intensely. (enough to put the AT&T server "down")again...! such shite.. we all pay for this improved service, but spend most of the time not being able to use the fucking DSL at all.
I've been thinking to raid water fountains for the coins. I NEED more money...to live!!!! this sucks. I want to provide for my family and can't!!! well...if anyone hears from Scott, please let me know. I know I may be over-protective..but it means that I love them.

fuck the bitch who was "jonesing" for icecream

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 05:06:25 GMT

The last few days have been emotional. Scott left today for France for 10 monthes...and I will miss him terribly. He knew that France or no France..he had to vacate the apartment..and only wish that he had started packing and vacating earlier.. We were up until about 2am moving things out of his place...back to my house..
There is stuff everywhere and it will take awhile to get things even in a semi-order.
Max(the decent boss of the 2 bosses) called me while I was at the airport to ask how I was feeling and to make sure that I was "opening" today. I told him that I was running late, but would BE there to work today. Yesterday I had a case of toilet sitting...shall I say...as I had eaten something from Long John Silver's.... and did not go to work. I did help Scott a little. His good friends helped alot and he is lucky that he has such good friends.
While at work, I recieved a call from Mark(the obsessed boss) and he has not been receptive to jokes or even kindness for a month now.. He wished to speak with Max. He said that Someone who was at the shop at precisely noon, and could not buy icecream..... called corporate and complained. He said that it was the 3rd complaint of opening late in 2 weeks. Does he mean opening when I opened? I have been sick and for a week now..my arms hurt so badly that I sleep with a heating pad on them and have even snitched a Vicadin from my brother who is on pain meds for a skin ulcer. The medicine allowed me to sleep. Things that normally take one hand to lift..now take both hands and arms. This is not good.
Well, if he wants to fire me..let him!. I will head straight to the unemployment office.. and.....he will be sorry. I will ruin his business in ways that he cannot imagine. I imagine he is not doing well anyway. Fuck this shit. I speak two languages for fucks sake..and have 2 assoc degrees and nearly a BA. I don't need shit in my life. I had a shitty day of asshole customers(not all of them were A-holes,,but most were). Complaints out the ass today.."if you only have a tiny amount of icecream in the box you should take the flavor sign down..how dare you advertise something that you don't have enough of?" What an asshole HE was.His kid(couldn't tell if it was a girl or boy) wanted a chocoate p-nut butter shake...and I only had enough for a kid size.
I am tired.. tired of food service.. tired of putting up with assholes, and just plain tired.

nice weather

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 05:44:29 GMT

I like the weather today.. very cool..rained early. Clean air. The barometric pressure was just right for me.. I had feelings of hugs and cuddly-ness... and was starving all day. Worked today, and thought of what(and how much of it can I stuff myself with)will I have for supper? a good day for sex.. too bad I am alone( as usual).
Had my 'Hummer driving customer' again today. She works out alot and always gets a LOT of icecream and I am sure she eats it while she drives home and arrives home with an empty container. Today, she got a whole pint ("no lid please, I am going to eat it") I asked her the gas milage on the Hummer..8 mpg. geeez.
I have been attending German club weekly and Italian club also. I long to go back to Italy..and wander around. I would like to go to see Scott graduate and then be-bop over to Italy.. that damned old "money" (actually, the lack of it) is the problem. If Bear could have married me 4 years ago, we would both be dual citizens. I know he s not the marrying kind and I probably am not either. I think that we are both reluctant soulmates.. and that is both funny and sad.
Bear and I pretty much finished the arbor/pergola, and it looks great. I am putting down a small brick walkway out to the concrete circle. I need to resurface the concrete to make it smooth. I will also make the one end of it a nice refuge for birds. They like me and come out, even when I am there. I have had little sparrows hop right up to me..and a nut-hatch comes to the kitchen window to ask for food if there is none out. {several hour break} is now after midnight.. not looking forward to poison ivy tomorrow. My Italian teacher's son and daughter-in-law want some landscaping/yardwork done. I will do it. It is easy, but very tedious...and there are a few nice patches of poison ivy. They will not be home,so if I have to pee, I have to drive to a nearby Starbucks. I hope I can do it and do it well. I need money badly!!!! It seems that my minutes are never my own. I should go to bed so that I can awake bright-eyed and bushy tailed...or at least bushy-eyed?! haha..

I have so much to do ...

tennis elbow, without racket

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 15:38:21 GMT

Sunday and I have 45 min until I leave for work. Lately in St Louis it rains a bit every day..and is quite humid.The temperature gets to about 80F/27C and cools a bit at night. Nice, so far. In a month it will probably be like a sauna, as it was last year.
I now work at a different location and less hours.(which makes it real tough to pay bills) I still clean house for an older couple, and do other construction related things as well. I am in the midst of building an arbor(bird gathering place) in my back yard.
My arm is real sore from scooping icecream and mopping floors..Yesterday, I decorated 2 icecream cakes. We have a small freezer up front whose door opened bass-akwards.
You would have to wedge yourself against the wall to open the door to retrieve anything. I mentioned "how nice it would be to not have to go through those girations just to get something from the case..." and a fellow worker said that he could change the door direction..and set about doing just that. In 25 minutes..the freezer door now opens from the opposite side...and that makes it so much better. I can't get over how easy it is to fetch things from it now.
I have some little projects going here.. One is to put a new clock mechagnism into a clay outdoor clock/thermometer ... and another is to re-cane two rocking chair seats. I found and bought some cane cloth yesterday, so now there no excuse for me not to do it...except laziness.
Mom called yesterday and could not watch her TV..she had just switched to satelite from cable and was all worried. I rode bike over and discovered that the 'power-strip' had come out of the outlet..so plugged it back in. voila! It started to rain, and I had to prepare for work..so I rode bike home in COLD rain...man, I shivered.
I have good days, but lately have been crying alot. I feel as if I am hitting my head against a wall and not getting ANYWHERE. I plan to go to Italy,,France in the Spring and try to save for it. The bill collectors are calling again. The lawyers for Discover card are back at their dirty shit again..and say I owe almost $5000.. hmm 3/4th of it is THEIR fee. I owe everyone..and cannot afford to have car insurance or anything.. It is like I am living on borrowed time,. I would do just as well anywhere else in the world.. feel like nothing..and know that I am a good,honest person inside. I am talented(a lot more talented than half those fucks out there gliding by with all their rich fuck friends), but the world does not seem to care. That is why Einstein's discovery of cold fusion has turned into something that can annialate mankind instead of help it. HIS intention was NOT in destruction..but of helping mankind.. Am I of this Earth,,of this race of hateful destructive beings? what the fuck?
Now I have 15 minutes to finish preparing for work and muct leave on time.. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be very busy today. Peace.

March 7th really

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 06:56:21 GMT

Michael called and wondered if I could "close" tonight as he has a 5am flight and needs to sleep.. I said "sure". a new girl Marissa was working. She is nice and all..but one must always tell her what to do next. There does not seem to be any initiative to clean up after oneself or tidy..period. I have to be on her like a tick. and I do not like that. When it came to the final mop-up..the mop was not wrung out enough, and the floors were VERY wet. Maybe it stems from kids that don't HAVE to do things at home...I don't know. Or maybe kids like mine..who have their own ADHD going on..keep themselves busy...and tidy , etc...without being told. I don't know. NO ONE takes it upon themself to EVER defrost the dip cases.. I did one tonight and will tackle the other early on Friday before opening.. There are lacking supplies(no pint lids) and etc.. I formulated a drawer count sheet that we use now. It is ONE sheet for the whole days drawer transaction..instead of two pieces of paper.
I guess that the school is not hiring me as bus driver cuz my blood pressure is too high. I am a bit tired and should go to bed now.. Tomorrow, I plan to shampoo the carpets, work in the garden preparing soil, and more cleaning up..laundry, etc.
Paid a few bills(the min amount) today and registered with AARP(the old farts association) and will have different car insurance in April with slightly lower rates. oooof , I still have not figured out how to download songs into the little device Bear gave me OR how to use my one camera...see what happens when you get old and confused?? Ha ha..I have ADHD real bad..I don't need to be OLD to be confused.

crapola

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 02:12:45 GMT

When is it MY turn for the life of lots of sex and doing as I please?

is he or is he not a

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 01:49:53 GMT

BUGIRE>>>BUGIRE>>>BUGIRE>>>BUGIRE>>>BUGIRE>>>

50 dollars

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 19:50:52 GMT

50 dollars: that is all I have. I DO have bills to pay and do not know how I will do it. The new job asks that I have a special fingerprinting clearance done for the job..that will be a $50 charge "out of pocket"(that means that I have to pay for that and it is not reimbursed). Also a $35 fee for a learner permit to drive a school bus. When I pass all that..there is another $35 fee for the license, itself. I cannot start there until the fingerprinting is passed..and they said that THAT takes 3 weeks.
I have a gas turn-of notice.. The two bills that I always try to pay are the electric and phone bills.. That allows me to use computer and telephone, and to cook and see TV. It is mandatory to have auto insurance if you drive.. It is illegal to drive without it. That, for me is $53 a month..due the 27th. I cannot pay that this month either. My bills are more than my pay. I live meagerly.. the house[owned by my mother] is cold and I only wash laundry and myself once a week. I don't go out. The only things I buy are toilet paper and some meat.And car gas.($2.19 for a package of bacon) I get the bulk of my food through a food pantry once a month. I used the money that I saved up on Christmas presents for my family...so I am back to "square one" as they say.{that saying refers to playing a board game and starting your marker on the 1st square....starting over} I have NO health care, no assets except my car, and no savings. I live from hand to mouth, as they say. It bothers me greatly that many people are doing(or seem to be doing) quite well. They own houses,cars,boats,extra property,nice clothes and can afford to go out if they want. By the time they are my age, have money put away and have assets. Most people also have a few credit cards. I have 2. One that I tore up 9 years ago..that they are a thorn in my side and that is another story altogether.. and one that I have set up a small payment plan on, and so far...all is ok there, but I cannot use it... so basically I have no credit card either. No bank account (except a special saving account so I can cash my checks there.) I pay bills in cash as I do not have checques. So those who think that America is the most wonderful place to be.... think again. I work HARD and try even harder to get away from debt and to stay healthy.. I am tired.. tired of all of this. I get so depressed. I have no-one except my sons and I do not want to bother them. I welcome contact with them. They mean the world to me. I have no real friends (in the skin)..I have a hand full of wonderful people that I know from around the world and treasure being able to talk to them on the internet. I really wish there was a way to find out what my real aptitude is and to be able to harness it and ..if I must live, to be able to do well with life. Right now, I think I will go lie down and cry.

I am a LOSER supreme.. I should go walk the highways

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 08:43:29 GMT

2 fuckin thirty in the AM... heard from friend Stefano.. he said that "a friend" sent him the link to this diary and quoted some things.. I was shocked.. and did not think that anyone would look at my boring dribble. The only one that could have sent it is Bear..who knows my password and all..and probably paruses my e-mail... Why does he keep such a "have to know everything she is doing" hold? Is it the old Atila the Hun thing about "knowing your friends well,but know your enemies better?" I am sure that to him..I am an enemy...He does not see the truth..maybe he is incapable. I am a soul that wants to be loved and gets shit on all the time.

I guess I blither on so to "vent" my frustrations and also feel inside, that I have nothing to hide. I try to be an honest, forthright..decent person. I don't like lying,stealing,malice...and being the stupid dummy that is the butt to everyone's joke and unwanted. I cannot bear it.. I would rather be dead... I hate this.
I do not watch the Oprah show..but had the TV on to gage when I had to leave for work...The program was about money,finances and what one needs to do to save...and basically one needs to make $3800 a month to SURVIVE. try $300 assholes!!!! That is what I have to work with. One reason I am bitter. All those women are such cattle... I am glad that I am not like them. I do not watch soap operas, nor lie about eating chocolates,nor read celebrity gossip magazines..or any of that other bullshit that American middle-aged women do.
My arm hurts like a "sonofabitch".. I scrubbed down the walls at work.(regional inspection time) and cleaned out the frost from the icecream cases. I hope we have a higher score this time and I hope that they realize that I put a LOT of work into it.
I need to get away.....I spend most of my time in bed hiding from the world..
lately, I do not feel well.. My sinuses are trying to be infected. My gum by my broken tooth has pus that I poke and drain. There are many things I could do and thing to learn..in the spare time..but instead I lie in bed.
I will probably cry myself to unconsciousness tonight.. I will look horrible in the morning for the school bus driver interview. I HATE the thought to drive the bus as Hazelwood is 80% black and I do not want to put up with crap from people who don't give a fuck. I am tired living in a world that does not give a fuck. the only fucked I get is NOT the good kind.

ugg Monday and alot to do..

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 17:41:32 GMT

I work this evening and tomorrow the store is being inspected by the regional guy.. In the past, the score has been about 75-80% ..I hope to prove that by hiring me....we can achieve a much higher score. I will make it a goal tonight to organize and clean. It is like deciding to shovel all animal pits for a surprise zoo inspection..It will be a lot of work(especially because noone else seems to care..so they do as little as possible.)
I am a bit depressed..and fighting off infection.. The sinuses are becoming infected and the gum above my broken tooth periodically gets nasty...and I have to take a needle to it...and apply alcohol or hydrogen pyroxide. Not having health care is a real pain in the butt.. for the most part I can handle most things..but sometimes the germs that come around just don't want to go away with home remedies.
Met a new person on line from Cagliari Sardegna who lives and works in Belgium. He has a most gorgious daughter(of which I will forward photo to Scott as she is also 21) They speak French..and live in Boussu near the France border. It will not go anywhere except someont to talk to..but he seems really nice.
Tomorrow morning I have the job interview for the school bus driver..and then the day of inspection.. I am very nervous.
I want to crawl back in bed just thinking about it.
I know the employees often supply the store from their own pockets to keep things going smoothly.. I was dipping the ladel into the waffle batter and the dip came off the handle.. (apparently, this happens frequently..this is the 3rd ladel, I've been told.) I MAY take one in to make things go smoother. All the scraping of the gunk from the waffle iron..was basically for nought..as noone else cleans it. but I do.
Rented The Man with Eugene Levy and Samuel Jackson.. FUNNY movie..
Yesterday, I made a snowman cat...and he turned out cute.. for a collar I used the coloured plastic that the newspaper comes in and the 'tag' was a lid to a coffee cup..whiskers are twigs. cute.
I then went to Mom's to have round steak, potatoes, cauliflower with cheese and sauerkraut. I guess she still makes sauerkraut for every meal in honour of Dad..even though he's been gone 8 years. I like sauerkraut..but do not eat it every meal.. I mostly eat pastas with my own sauces and fried potatoes and lots of vegetables. I usually can't afford meat..but have been buying bacon from Sav-A-Lot for $2.19 a pound..and eat a lot of bacon and or eggs..as I get 30 eggs for $3 from Sav-A-Lot.
Although the neighbor fixed my stovetop so that I can cook on it now...I have got used to the electric fry pan to make meals in.. and could write a small cookbook with the tings that I have made..hahhaha. Yes, the best cooks are men BECAUSE men are not afraid to experiment.. ( I like to experiment also..it is a science lab /one's kitchen)
Tried to repair the little wheely foot on this office chair..and just cannot.. I have used glue,,plaster,,metal band.. I will have to be careful to just put the weight on the remaining 4 wheely feet. I am soooo tired. nervous..and not feeling terribly well.. I guess I will dive into the nasal remedies and hope for the best.

Sunday 14 Jan

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 17:04:29 GMT

Have to go to work soon.. tired, or is it depression? There is so much to do , that I just want to hide. We are in the midst of another ice storm in the St Louis area..more tonight.. over 27,000 without electricity. My mother had no electric yestrday, so she came here and I made a big pot of veggie soup(I et the last of it 30 min ago)..I went to work, so she was by herself and a tv with just basic channels. When I got home, I went by her house. The elec was back on..and found her under blankets in the chair watching Lawrence Welk. I don't think she knows how to use a remote anymore..Her mind is going.. a bit frightening actually. Took her home. A huge branch of tree near the driveway..fell across the back yard and driveway..because of 1cm of ice on trees..the poor trees are weighted so heavily with ice..that you can hear cracking and crashing all through the neighborhood. At the end of my street a 30 foot pine tree fell over from the roots. poor thing. and Scott's buddy's house a huge limb fell into the back yard. We are to expect more of this tonight. I am scheduled to work today.. yesterday , there was an ice carving thing in the Loop area..and so there was business..but today??? I don't know. Tomorrow, is supposed to be treacherous on the roads. It will also be a bank holiday of Martin Luther King Day..and some will not have to work anyway.. Anybody have the winning lottery number for this comung Wednesday? I could sure use the money.. all debts would be paid off first..then if there was anything keft..I'd go from there.
Have to get ready for work now..

winter fever=spring fever with a shiver?

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 16:53:37 GMT

have spring fever..eyeing cute ones..and catching myself..geeejus that one is younger than my son. gross..or is it?

remove 'old' from cold

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 03:55:07 GMT

The last couple of days have been tolerable and bits of them very enjoyable. Saturday was a regualr day..I was cleaning the house in anticipation for company on Christmas.. Bear instant messaged me. He seemed glad to see me and then as if his insane-o-meter flipped the switch..he started in with bitching at me and reprimanding me for any and all things I have ever done that were wrong or bad or had uncomfortable consequences. He upset me so much, I cried the rest of the day.
Sunday,,continued to clean..and then went to Karina's mom's house for dinner. Very nice. Many dishes have cabbage.. very pleasant time. Karina accidentally burped at the table and we all had a good chuckle. Yesterday( Christmas) everyone came here to eat.l There was so much food, that it was difficult to find room for it all. Scott had brought his kitty Thrall to visit for the day/and night. My cats were definetly PISSED and much growling took place. The furnace stopped working and had it not been for all the lights on and all the people...it would have been colder in here. Steve and his mum dropped by. I think(I hope) that everyone had a decent time. I enjoyed having everyone here. Maybe, I will be doing better by summer and can have a big bar-b-que or something.
I am freezing. I have a space heater going in my bedroom so when I go to bed, it won't be so awful. Last night I toughed it out..and was lazy and tired.and cold. I called the neighbor guy who works for a HVAC home improvemnt company..and he said that he would drop by to look at the furnace and stove in a while.
I have an application in to be a school bus driver for Hazelwood, and since they are on winter break...I do not expect to hear from them for at least 10 days.. I work 2 days this week..Sat and Sun(New Years Eve).. I am tired of a service job.. Just sit me in a room making coo-coo clocks or furniture or something...and I would be happier. I am more 'product' based than service based employee. Scott call me to say that he took the initiative tonight and QUIT his job. He said that he felt that the time had come to go forward and go in another direction. I hope for his sake that something god comes of this. I really think that a good opportunity will come for him to work in France.. I feel it in my bones . I know he adapts well..and I don't think that I realize all the stress that HE has..because I know that he is flexible and smart..I guess I just assume that he is doing well.
Well, will close for right now..gotta run around and warm myself up.. I feel that the cold is constricting me into a shriveled up numb thing.

so far so good

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 22:00:48 GMT

This morning I had a job interview at Gold's Gym. I don't know the real reason I was jerked around..maybe my age...but they said that the only position open was front desk from 5am-9am Monday through Friday(for minimum wage) I told them that I was interested because one never knows what will happen. They hope to open in May.
I had my nails filled and found a cool red polish with shiney speckles in it..oooo ahhh.shiney things... Adolpho tried calling twice (phone machine told me so)..I had just talked to him yesterday. Wierd.. Guys are coming out of the woodworks..had a long talk with my buddy of 4 years;Nicola Gallo..who just opened a B&B near Venice. Saw that Bear was on line last night..but he does not contact me.. yup..I am so important to him..not.
Tonight the Italian club meets at Starbucks in Westport Plaza..where we are to speak ony Italian.. I might suggest that we saunter over to Nino's as Nino is from Napoli(Naples)and sings in Italian at his restaurant. I am tired, and not sure why..emotiona stress of poverty. I want to get the kids something...but noone has said anything about what they need or want. My sister-in-law from hell's father had a bad heart attack yesterday and may not make it..so that will further complicate my brother Richard's life..which is totally fucked right now[mostly because of HER]..
got The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy(recent movie version) from the Dollar General Store. I really need to win that lottery..haha I think I will lie down for a little bit..

colder than a witches tit

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 04:12:41 GMT

As the expression goes.. "It is colder than a witches tit". We had a hellacious ice and sleet day on Thursday last...and over 5000 lost electricity, phones, or both. I was without phone/computer for 2 days and my mother had phone, but no electric for 2 days. In 3 days time only some of the people had power.. At least 2000 people are still witout power. One would think that the fucking utility company would have at the very LEAST a written PLAN of what to do. Maybe they do..
1.put the company phones on eternal automated voicemail to frustrate and discourage phoners to continue to hold.
2.never admit anything to anyone
3. pretend there is no problem..(if you do not believe it, it won't exist)

Where I work, is still jerking around the employees. The schedules change more times than I want to count. They can't keep employees as the managment sets impossible standards for percent of labor and treat the employees worse than serfs. I worked a 10 hour shift without a break..( I think that is illegal...but perhaps not in Missouri the state of the employer ruling) I was very tired. I had customers all day..and did not have time to 'clean as I went' because as soon as I started to clean something, I had customers that wanted something that makes a mess(special sundaes or shakes)..and people leaving the seating area a mess. They are grown-ups for gods sakes..they should know how to clean up after themselves.I got out of there near 11:30pm
Well,, this one worker who had put in her notice came to pick up her last check, and I was busy and she helped me for a couple minutes without clocking in.. and Richard the prick asked me about it, as he was driving around watching me through the windows.. That is fucking creepy. Like a stalker. I have trouble remembering the buttons to push for each of the various coupons and specials..and sometimes the drawer looks to be short of cash..when it really has something to do with HOW something was rung up. all the money is there.
I used to like working there a little..but dread the 30 mile drive to be the bad guy. Richard calls me to have ME call the worker to tell them that they are not working or that there is a problem..EXCUSE ME..but I am not the boss..and I am NOT getting paid enough to be the bad guy boss.
In the morning, I have an interview with Gold's Gym. They are opening a brand new facility only 4 miles from the house. I am very excited about it. It would be a place to work where there is no smoking and health oriented. I could work out and swim..(they will have a pool). I hope they are not 'yanking my chain' with false pretense to hire,,but really looking for new members..I cannot be that fake overly cheerful idiot to recruit new members. I know a few guys fromt the old gym that I could get to join here,,,but in a "guy" way..not a flakey dippy airhead way. I know some serious body builders. {AND that is another PLUS to work there..EYE CANDY!!!!!!!)
Tomorrow night is the once a month Italian speaking club. We are to meet at Westport Plaza Starbucks at 7pm. Maybe I will pop by to see Nino and say Ciao. Nino was a famous local Neopolitan singer in Naples in the 60's.He now owns a restaurant at Westport Plaza called Nino's.
Since I got phone line back,,the computer is still fucked up..not sure if it is the computer but I think it is AT&T fucking phone line. I was talking to my buddy Nick near Venice Italy..and when the phone rang,,it disconnected the internet.. I have (and paid for) DSL line and that should not happen. Nick has recently opened his rennovated country house b&b..and we were talking business. I am so happy that it is going well for him. The call was that of a man SE of Rome (Adolpho) who had a stroke and does not like to type..so he calls once in a while..He does not speak English, and that causes my brain to have to work. I thought of Corrado(Bear) today and miss him terribly. I am sure that he is more than fine as he is a lucky bastard. I have to do many things presently to look after myself.. I have until the 15th to sell my car or Discover Card will sue me further and I don't want that to happen. So.. I need the bloody computer to work so I can list my car,,on line to sell. I also have an art Deco pendant lamp to sell and that is worth about $150..not sure what I could get for it though.
I put up a few Christmas lights here and there..and the little kitty watched me...probably planning what to play with, and tear down.
I also made a pot of vegetable beef soup which is already half gone..I am hungry..I will bake some things tomorrow.. maybe a panetone(kugelhopf) or streudel..yummm
well, gotta dye my hair roots and plan what to wear as to not to look so dumpy,,,,for the interview tomorrow. Catch you up later.

stink, stinks, really stinks

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 05:11:06 GMT

Stink,stinks,really stinks..My mother's house, my hair, my life. My mother turned 80 today. She had a nice day out with my Aunt and cousins.
I took over 4 little yellow rose floating candles and a nice "grandmother" plaque from 'the boys'. She really loved the plaque.
I work on Sunday at the zoo..and Max is trying to get me out in Chesterfield..
Got bad news from my college. I have been frozen until my arrears are paid off.They suggested that I make $200 a month installments. I will have to go down to school to explain to them that I don't have it. I guess I will join the group of assmuncher pan-handlers that hang out in U City. Maybe my son and I could put on a freak show for dollars or something.
Bear just messged me. He is somewhere else(not sure who's place--maybe Susan the goose in Mississippi). He said that he just installed Skype there and will try to call me tomorrow. ,,and that he will return after Sunday. He asked what I need. I said a bullet. and something so funny and revealing he said.."you are worth a lot for me and if I wasn't able to let you understand this,maybe I am not as worth as much as I think" so he has no self image problem I am guessing.. one could take that statement two ways. One: that he thinks he worth alot..and two that I do not think he is important.
I am so upset.. I revert back into nothingness.. a black hole that sucks all neagtive into it. No matter how fucking hard I try..it doesn't seem to fucking matter.WHY?? Who the fuck cursed my family? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
I HATE you GW Bush!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For fucks sake urge people to get out and vote...against the regime! It won't be until the rich suffer, that anything will be done about it. I need to move where the socialists have more power..Germany or Italy..
I keep thinking,,'what the fuck can I do to make money that I don't mind too much?' I don't know.
I have kind of volunteered to make Karina a Bloodrayne costume..and will need to make it and get it to her by tomorrow I guess. I don't know.
I am the black sheep..the dreaded mean old lady on the block.. the asshole who tries to live as one should. If I did not have scruples/morales as I do..I might be successful.. who knows?
Soon the dreaded season will be here.. Christmas season.. I hate it. It is the most depressing time of the year. When people act kindly and everyone is full of love...(except it doesn't come MY way)
{tears}. The people that lived across from my mother were evicted last week and a cleaning crew came. They pitched a lot of CRAP into a dumpster. There was one wrought iron garden chair(sans seat) and I asked if I could have it. They said yeah. I made a tapestry covered seat for it. It looks nice.I cleaned it, but will repaint it soon. The clean up crew said that it was the WORST house she ever had to clean.. with maggots and tons of cockroaches..falling from the ceiling like rain..holes in the wall and broken pipes. What a shame. gross.
I dread to think of when I have to leave here..I cannot afford anything..if my mother were to die. There is SO much stuff here... toys(stupid X-MEN things) and furniture and clothes....
I guess I should put things on the net to sell them.. I will start with the chandelier that I replaced(an art deco syle glass thing)..before it gets broken.
My gum was infected Monday and I popped it with a hat pin to drain the pus. Then swished with hydrogen pyroxide.. I am tired of being fucking poor. Brian will have health insurance and he is thinking of future with Karina..as he asked all sorts of insurance questions to me...some about children... so................ I wish the best for my sons, and sure as hell wish I could give them everything they need and alot of things they want. Everyone deserves to have the basics if one's country is not "third world". I think we are the only non 3rd world country that does not have healthcare for it's citizens. well, I'd better get somemore things done.. I should take a shower as my hair stinks of cigerette smoke(must be from the cat as my mother says she does not smoke any more)...and a lot of beautificaton to do.too much.. I want to lazer off the leg hair..shaving takes care to get all the hairs..
Even though he is a Jew, I want to see Sasha Cohen's movie called Borat..[he is a fake character from Kazakhstan] He usually greets the camera by saying jagsamash!(which means thank you very much in Czech)..so his accuracy of language and music is not anywhere near the real Kazak..[sorry..anal retentive me]..but it looks so stupid, that it looks hysterical. If one cannot openly make fun of people where is the comedy?